“Hello. I’m Zig from the planet Zog. I’ve been set on a scouting mission to understand your planet and how it works. I’ve basically been hiding in plain sight, you probably walk past me every day. One of the first things I noticed about humans is that they don’t notice much. Especially not the most obvious things.”
“Hi Zig. Welcome. I’m not sure how much you’ll learn in the United Kingdom of 2023, but hey ho.”
“You’d be surprised. And anyway, there’s a Zig equivalent in every country in your world. All of us just quietly observing your customs and ways,”
“All part of an invasion plot I guess?”
“FFS, I’m not an extra from an HG Wells novel! Why do you humans always assume that the first plan of any alien civilisation is to make war with you?”
“Um, dunno. I guess because that’s what we always do with each other?”
“We noticed that. Be better, humans!.”
“So what’s so interesting to you about Britain in May 2023?”
“The flags?”
“Flags? Oh yes, we have the coronation coming up.”
“What’s a coronation?”
“The crowning of our new king. King Charles III.”
“Crowning?”
“Yes. It’s like a ceremony where we put a hat made of gold and jewels on his head to pronounce him our king.”
“I see. And what is a king? Is he like in charge?”
“Sort of. I mean, technically he is the head of state. But the Prime Minister is in charge of the government.”
“Sounds complicated. “
“Not really. The Prime Minister is elected by the population, along with lots of other people. We call them Members of Parliament, MPs for short. The Prime Minister is the MP who can command a majority of votes in the House of Commons, where we make our laws.”
“Yes, that sounds similar to Zog. We elect wise people to make the rules and if they let us down, we vote them out.”
“That is similar, apart from the ‘wise’ bit maybe…”
“So this king is then voted in by your House of Commons? Not by your people, but by their elected representatives?”
“Um, no. He’s not elected at all. He is the King because his late mother was the Queen.”
“Queen?”
“Queen is just the female version of king.”
“So she was elected and he – inherits her job?”
“No, no, no. The King or Queen has never been elected.”
“So how are they the head of state if nobody voted for them?”
“Well, it’s about tradition, you see. It all goes back centuries.”
“It’s a tradition for one family to be in charge?”
“Well, like I say, not really in charge, it’s more sort of ceremonial.”
“When did this ceremonial tradition start?”
“Oh, centuries ago. There were wars and all sorts for the right to be king or queen. It even changed hands between different families a few times.”
“So the people who won the wars became the kings and queens?”
“Yes, though it was all years ago.”
“So let me get this – they are in charge because their ancestors – killed yours?”
“Well, it was all a long time ago. And you keep saying they’re in charge, when they’re not really…”
“I’m sure you can’t blame them for their ancestors’ behaviour, but it’s curious you allow them to be in charge on that basis?”
“As I keep saying, they’re not in charge!”
“Touchy. So this Prime Minister is in charge? He has no crown or coronation, but he makes the laws?”
“Not on his own. Members of Parliament have to vote for them.”
“Like on Zog. So he is like a president?”
“No, no. A president is a head of state. Like our king, but voted in by the people. The Prime Minister is technically His Majesty’s Prime Minister.”
“His what?”
“His majesty. That’s what we call our king. Or if we are speaking to him, we call him ‘Your Majesty’ or ‘Your Highness'”
“Hahahaha, you humans and your sense of humour! You’ve been winding me up!”
“Erm, no?? That’s what we call him!”
“Come now, Human! I have seen your Monty Python, your satirical surrealism. It’s old hat even to me in 2023! Your highness! His majesty! Hahahahaha!”
“Look, it’s just a tradition, ok?!”
“You’re serious? You call a man “Your Highness” because his ancestors won a fight against yours centuries ago?”
“When you put it like that, I can see it sounds strange, but it’s just a tradition, you know?”
“I am confused by this tradition. It seems very odd and not in your interests.”
“It’s something to celebrate. There’ll be a load of parties celebrating the coronation.”
“You hold parties to celebrate this man having an ostentatious hat put on his head?”
“We’re celebrating centuries of tradition and our new king! If you don’t like it, go back to Zog!”
“Centuries of tradition? We’re back at his ancestors killing people so they could be in charge, aren’t we?”
“Look, that was all ages ago. And the monarchy – our system of government – and all the pageantry that surrounds it – is just part of being British.”
“Pageantry? Is that all the flags and stuff?”
“Much more than that. This will be a massive event with thousands of people involved; it will be spectacular, colourful and utterly glorious. Long live the king!”
“So this must be quite expensive?”
“About a hundred million quid. But worth it.”
“A hundred million sounds a lot. Is this king able to afford that much?”
“Oh, he isn’t paying for it! Haha! As if!”
“So who pays?”
“Well, the government. The taxpayer. In effect, all of us.”
“I see. That is curious. You have people with nowhere to live. Your essential workers are refusing to do their jobs because your government says they cannot afford to pay them enough to afford the cost of living. You have working people going to your British food banks because they are unable to feed their families. You are short of people to make the sick well and people to make sure your people are safe. All of these things, you are told you cannot afford. But you will pay £100 million to watch a man have a hat put on his head, while calling him “Your Majesty” or “Your Highness” or whatever, because his family won some wars hundreds of years ago?”
“Like I say, if you don’t like it, go back to Zog!”
“Yes, I think I will.”
“Long live the king!”
“If every new one costs your people a hundred million pounds, then let’s hope so.”
Rory writes 
Nice work, if only the coronation was such a beautiful work of fiction…
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